I've been a lucky man; I've had decades to play at life, to learn from so very many mistakes. I've needlessly sinned (defined as hurting others); I've been so very slow-witted. I remember my trespasses, agonize over every one, wish I could reach back and scold my earlier self not do that thing de jure (or occasionally, to do that thing, to seize an opportunity rather than shrink back from it). By contrast, the trespasses of others against me are trivial, of no more consequence than a bramble scratch or a stubbed toe; I smile at the memories, and forgive each & every one across the immense span.
I can see the end; my story is coming to a close. It looks to be a peaceful end, not a "Worf gloriously dies in battle" but more of an easy let-down. I may have years, but no longer decades.
Do not mourn for me (the bell tolls for thee). Instead rejoice in my passing, hopefully take some wisdom from this my blog. Here's Robert Frost on the subject:
Grow old along with me!
The best is yet to be,
The last of life, for which the first was made.
So what matters to me? What can I tell you of myself that may influence you to "make better mistakes", to be one of those three hundred better than myself? I see two life lessons of the greatest importance:
[1] Learning: If you don't learn, how can you better yourself? Failure is indeed the Great Teacher, but if you're just snoozing your way through class / life, what does it matter that lessons have been given?
I'm currently studying (some of it is the revisiting of my university time from fifty years back) one of the great loves of my life, mathematics. I'm finding it necessary to take some "refresher" courses like multi-variable calculus (and probably matrix algebra soonest) in order to make progress with deep learning on artificial intelligence (laugh with me over https://xkcd.com/1838/ please); I'm currently merely several decades back, technologically speaking, and already beginning to see how to make commercially available AI do my own purposes. Better questions lead to better answers. Further, there are better and worse ways to ask questions; that's where I expect understanding how artificial learning works can help my research.
And my own purposes may demand my attention sooner than I'd expected. I need to understand how my death approaches, and what I can do about it. I don't fear its coming, but do fear things left undone -- if I'd only had more time (the lament of so many who didn't prepare :). Here's Jean-Luc Picard on the subject:
Someone once told me that time was a predator that stalked us all our lives. I rather believe that time is a companion who goes with us on the journey and reminds us to cherish every moment, because it will never come again. What we leave behind is not as important as how we've lived. After all Number One, we're only mortal.
So researching my medical issues requires study of artificial intelligence, and that means I expand my mathematics first. 2025 looks to be a busy year.
[2] Connection: I delight in the Minimalist saying "Love People, Use Things" (from the book title Love People, Use Things: Because the Opposite Never Works by Joshua Fields Millburn & Ryan Nicodemus). For me there are 10 kinds of "people" (just like those who think in binary, and those who don't :) to connect with, genus Homo & genus Felis; to torque Mark Twain slightly, "The more I learn about people, the more I like my cat" (but Samuel Clemens was a dog person). My small, furry friends have taught me so much about life, about living in the moment.
Star Trek Picard's Elnor: "Sem n'hak kon" means (roughly) "Now is the Only Moment"; it's just like the wisdom of Be Here Now and of Lewis Carroll's https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Jam_tomorrow. The past is gone but not forgotten, the future undefined; you can only live, you can only be happy or otherwise in the narrow slice called "now".
People-wise, most of my friends have been women, and connection with them was frequently sex (not as frequently as I wanted, to be sure, but enough). But behind the physical was frequently something more, a desire to emotionally connect, to spend some serious time with and commit to The Other. I made many, many mistakes; the previously mentioned Sarah and especially Karen come to mind. Now..., I'm taking on two of my most important roles, caring for The Other and maintaining a "forever home" for two middle-aged cats; they're strong reasons why I can't die just yet.
So what's the takeaway, what's the "TL:DR"? It's so simple, really. Love yourself. Love others (the Beatles "Love is all you need", indeed). And cherish your mistakes, your failures; they're the source of your growth, your wisdom, & your maturation. You want to be able to stand tall, to be proud of yourself.
I'm going to end this entry as if it were the end of the blog (it might just be). As my favorite author ended a powerful story (Corwin's, the first five books from Roger Zelazny's Amber series), "Goodbye and hello, as always."
